3 Ways to Destroy Your Thanksgiving Turkey

Problems cooking the centerpiece bird are common; I should know

This is the third of 5 Days of Thanksgiving, which will run Monday through Friday, Nov. 21-25. Look for other blog posts with a Thanksgiving theme this week.

The key to writing a Thanksgiving sitcom special is to gather a bunch of people who don’t get along, stick them in the smallest room you can find, and wait for something to go wrong with cooking the turkey.

But there are few, more fundamental errors that I’ve encountered over the years. They didn’t make any of common list sites. So, in the spirit of completeness, I’m going to tell you three ways you can destroy your Thanksgiving turkey without really trying.

No Bake Oven

Thanksgiving Turkey
Shown is a roasted Thanksgiving Turkey. CC BY-SA 2.0, M. Rehemtulla, Wikimedia Commons.

It was midafternoon on Thanksgiving 2007 before we realized that something was wrong with the oven. The bird was getting to be a Lukewarm, but the popper wasn’t popping and there was a very good reason why. The computer on our electronic oven had failed, and likely right before we tried to cook our Thanksgiving feast.

Of course, ovens don’t fail unless you have a crowd coming to dinner. We had guests that day, and they were getting hungry—if not testy—as the afternoon grew long. Eventually, I gave up and went to the grocery store for some ready-made Thanksgiving treats.

Turkey Out of the Bag

Here’s a secret (I guess I’m letting the cat out of the bag along with the turkey): Your bird is stuffed with its own parts, and those really should be removed before cooking it.

Many of the parts are inside a bag. Instructions clearly say that the bag and turkey parts, also known as gilblets, need to come out. First, let me assure you that if you pull your turkey out of the oven and discover stuff still inside, your Thanksgiving isn’t ruined. Yet. Probably. Most giblets are wrapped in paper. If that’s the case, the USDA says it’s fine to eat them if it’s been cooked long enough. If the bag is plastic, and it’s been distorted during cooking, it’s time to throw it out.

Let’s pretend it’s Thanksgiving 2008 and no one knows the information I just shared. After I had pulled the turkey out of the oven, I noticed that it had gone in with the giblets still inside. This also appears to be somewhat common.

Turkey giblets should be removed before cooking. CC BY-SA Wikimedia Commons.

Calls to the company that processed the turkey assured us that we could eat the bird safely. But by then, it was too late. Arguments over whether the turkey was safe to eat, and who was at fault, had set the tone. All I could do was indulge in the Thanksgiving wine and stare at the succulent golden-brown delight, as others had already declared it unfit for human consumption.

An Upside-Down Bird

Assuming you have a working oven and remembered to pull out the innards, you should be safe when the turkey comes out of the oven. Right? Yeah, maybe. Unless you are used to cooking a turkey a certain way, and when you pull it out of the oven, it’s upside-down.

Let me clarify. We cooked the turkey breast down in 2021. We’d cooked it breast up every year prior. They are served breast-up, and no one had ever suggested we cook it the other way. Others had figured out this little trick long before we did. Cooking a turkey breast-side down can result in a succulent, juicy white meat. It’s one of those things you discover after taking the first careful bite. Once the drama had passed, we learned that this method of cooking a bird has merit. Fortunately, we tasted it before enough fighting had ensued to ruin another Thanksgiving.

How to Cook a Worry-Free Turkey

No one wants a bad Thanksgiving feast. Plenty of online recipes will steer you in the right direction. But I’ve picked one out for you. Jo Ellen Litz has a YouTube channel in which she teaches how to make Pennsylvania Dutch delicacies. On this episode of Jo Ellen’s Kitchen, the grandmotherly cook shares how to prepare a perfect turkey Pennsylvania style.

Jo Ellen Litz shares how to cook a Pennsylvania Dutch turkey. Via YouTube.

And relax. Holidays are supposed to be fun. Don’t let a turkey ruin it.


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